Thanks for loving me when I didn't love myself, this one is dedicated to my mother. :)

Heyo and welcome new and returning readers!  The continued support, kind words, love, and encouragement are such a blessing and very much appreciated, so thank you!! ❤  Also, happy belated Moms Day to ALL the Mothers out there, but especially happy mothers day to my ma (yeah, like "ma...ma, the meatloaf!!  I am slightly biased but I have a pretty legit mother.  She's cool, she's funny, she's beautiful (inside and out), she supports me, definitely challenges me, she taught me how to love and be kind to others, always someone I could look up to, and she never gave up on me.  My dad is parallel to so many of these things but it's May, so I gotta focus on Terry; Jim, catch ya in June. 😙

This last week was hard, this month will be hard, and I have cried most days, both happy and sad tears.  Maybe because I am officially in my 12th month alcohol free, I don't care who you are, that change brings ALL the emotions.  Every time my memories pop up; whether it's snapchat, FB, camera roll, etc., I am nervous to open it.  It's either 2 years ago.  I can tell I am working from home, starting to drink on Friday afternoons, we're still rockin' the "vidtastic", take-out, Tiger King days, Mon-Thurs no booze before 17:00.  Sidebar, having a schedule for booze, that may have been a red flag; but I once cleaned a guy's bathroom floor, for like 2 hours on my hands and knees, and when I was done, he yelled at me for using the "good" paper towels he swiped from work.  Some of us just don't get it right away, ya know what I'm saying?!

Or it's last year, March of 21, no more "good vibin' vid" memories coming through.  I am always in the hospital, or my couch, I am always yellow, I look awful, and I am not drinking, but also I am not accepting the fact that I am an alcoholic.  That's important.  I was still googling if I could drink after a possible liver transplant...who does that?!  I finally start getting better, I am not drinking but my BAC-free personal life is now a total secret, I am not a secretive person.  I had also been let go in about Feb/March-ish because you can't just "sip" on the job, unless you can, no judgies from me, but I can't.  Resume attached and trying not to appear so yellow (sweaters and glasses, check) covered bloated belly (layers and elastic-banded jeans, check) after about 4 interviews I get a job!  It's remote and the pay was actually a bump up, awesome.  Ashley is back on track, cirrhosis who??  Next stop, Council Grove for training, equipment pickup and general meet and greet.  I get there on May 3rd, I have a good day, it's almost Cinco De Mayo and they are planning an office "fiesta".  I remember being very reluctant to advertise my sobriety.  Honestly I was embarrassed to admit I didn't drink in front of anyone, but especially people I would work and interact with on a professional level.  I could almost hear them....Why doesn't she drink?  Everyone drinks? Everyone judging...look at the baby, look at the baby....yeah not doing it Vince.  So I acted like I just wasn't a big drinker....people do that, not everybody looooves breakfast drinks Smash.  After work that first day I am looking for a spot for dinner.  I am not foreign to dining alone in new cities, or towns in this instance.  I used to travel a lot for work, and whenever I would travel I would eat at the bar, chatting with the bartender or fellow bar patron, usually alone, that is if I was not entertaining clients.  And not in that Heidi Fleiss kind of entertainment way, if you're wondering, small disclaimer!:) 

So here I am...in a small town bar, I walk in, I don't know this bar, I don't even know the layout, I don't know what kind of beverage I am going to order, I don't know if I am eating there or in my hotel room.  I have no plan!  And that's bad for someone who is supposed to be avoiding alcohol like the neon gas ball necklace in "The Rock".  Another gem, no plan, in a bar, new city, this is known as a "trigger".  But I don't have triggers because duh...I don't have a drinking problem, that's D.E.N.I.A.L sis!  I pull up a stool at the bar, barkeep says, hey...what can I get ya?  Oh I will just have a glass of that red wine in a box over there, super classy joint!  My Brawley brain is shouting, what are you doing BITCH?!  My alter-ego Smashley replying, it's one glass of red wine, that's a glass of grapes home-skillet, be quiet.  I have that glass and surprise, I didn't die, so I have another one on my way home.  Next day I wake up and waited until lunch, mind you this is my 2nd day at a brand new job, anxiety is on the rise, I go to the one place I know will calm my nerves, the liquor store.  I only had 3 glasses of wine the night before, but my liver can't process wine the same, so I have a tiny wine drink at Sonic while I am eating lunch, followed by a drink with my coworkers before heading back to Wichita that evening.  I arrive home and remember I have a half liter of Botta Box in my cabinet, because again, I am not an alcoholic.  What if someone were to ever stop by and want a beverage!?  I mean, I wanted to be a good hostess, shoot me.  Before I knew it I had lost my new job because I was immediately sick from drinking, calling in almost every other day.  Obviously they were not going to keep me.  I hadn't worked there a month.  I think I got half of a paycheck.  That one glass of wine that I decided to have during dinner, because I could handle it, tough lesson learned, put me in worse shape than I had ever been in my life.  But in reality that relapse probably did me a favor in the end. 

For the remainder of the summer I fought with my mom, she worried about me, she cried, she prayed, she yelled, she showed me tough love, she did everything to help me, that goes for my dad as well.  I would not be here writing about all of my memories & mistakes if they would have given up on me, and I am so grateful they didn't.  My parents were and are fantastic role models and I am lucky to have their blood running through my veins.  Teaching me to be a good person, to be ladylike, to be respectful, treat others how you would want to be treated, take care of yourself.  Just being a decent person really.  It's not tough, and you can do it with nothing.  During my relapsin' I was going to the liquor store in like dirty, pink flip flops, shorts that were about 2 sizes to big, hair unwashed and uncombed, no makeup, no bra and half the time, probably not showered.  Beer bottles under my bed, empty wine boxes covering my unfinished basement floor.  That's not me.  If you know me or have ever ridden in a car with me, or worked a bank teller line with me; I use hairspray and check my makeup in between deposits and stop lights.  I don't go to the store looking like I live behind it.  No judgment here if that's your thing, but it's just not mine, and I needed to find a way back to me. 

After the relapse was over and I was ready to actually get better, and not drink.  It was not easy.  It was harder than before.  Because I didn't do what I was supposed to do the first time.  Usually if you just untie your tennis shoes and take time to retie, you'll get a better result than trying to shove your heel in.  And that's what it takes, patience, and accepting that it might take longer to get it right, but in the end, better support. 

So here we are, Mothers Day 2022- The Brawleys see Father Stu, spoiler- go see this, it's such a good story, and it hit differently because of the message it sends and how I related to it, no hospital visits in sight (thank goodness), late lunch at Red Rock, it was lovely.  True Brawley, Mom Day, style for us, and that's how we like it.  Only difference, I would have been casually drinking, not knowing it would try to kill me just a few short years later.  What my mom taught me over the last year was that I would smile again, I didn't need to drink to have fun (she does it all the time), I was funny without booze, I would be myself again, the bad days wouldn't last forever, and to love myself first, before trying to love another, I mean, how can you expect someone to love you if you don't?!  Happy Mothers Day mom, I love you!💕

P.S. - This is one of my favorite Nathaniel Rateliff songs.....and if you caught any of my movie references, hint all the same movie, comment below! :)  The Rock only has one, and I called it out! Hasta homies! ✌