Self Care....and of course, Rock Chalk!

Man, waking up and remembering your beloved Jayhawks are now in the Elite 8... AWESOME, but waking up without a hangover...BONUS! :)  Being it's March Madness I knew I wanted to try and catch at least one KU game with my dad, so I jumped on 81 South last night and headed to Wellington.  Not gonna lie, I was a little nervous towards the end, but KU pulled it out, somebody check Bill's Blood Pressure; and how about them Peacocks!  Nobody saw that one coming, well I didn't anyway, but hey, who doesn't love a Cinderella story!?  After the rents went to bed I started thinking about this past week, or months, and how crazy it's been.  I don't mean crazy in a "drama" sense but crazy in the way that life and things happen or fall in and out of place.  

A couple weeks ago I ordered some takeout from Great Wall.  The fortune cookie is my second favorite aspect of Chinese food, Eggrolls, of course being the first, because fun fact...I crave condiments, and mustard is one of my favorite condiments, especially hot mustard.  People have always thought that was funny because if you ask me what I want to eat I automatically think, hmmm...what condiment am I craving?! :)  But, back to the cookie, I open it and one side says "set the right example, it will inspire others", the other side says "Yellow" and one of the lucky numbers is 37.  To me this was like a little sign that I was, maybe....headed in the right direction.  I had also just finished a podcast that talked about "who helps you home"?  At first I thought of being "white girl wasted" and who helps you home?  Like my Uber driver that watched me miss a step, fall directly on my face, purse and Italian Melt down, not realizing I busted my face open, direct cut to ugly crying (in the front seat no less) lost phone, most likely need medical attention, and ice.  Which he got me, turned around to find my phone and made sure I was inside and home safe once arrived.  Thank you Uber driver, I definitely needed help home!  But no, the podcast was talking about how many people help you home throughout the day;  the barista at Starbucks, the waitress at lunch, maybe it was someone randomly holding the door open for you.  You can come in contact with multiple people, from all walks of life, throughout your day, and your attitude directly rubs off on people and vice versa, even if it's unintentional.  If I am working, having a great day and go to the bank over lunch to the teller being a slight, C U Next Tuesday, well, that could ruin my afternoon.  Of course you can have a bad day and will, but when you're working, you may have to let that sh*t go.  That fortune cookie spoke to me in a way, I have been trying to put out more good vibes in the world as well as be more conscious and thankful.  I also think being cut off from the world for the past few years helped with this sort of, what alcoholics would refer to as "an epiphany".  Gotta love Pulp Fiction.  Like setting the right example and inspiring others.  I love seeing people smile and saying good morning as you're walking to get your coffee.  I think smiling is kind of contagious, and so is good energy, in my opinion.  I am trying to appreciate the positive reactions people give you in those little moments, maybe you made someone's day a little better.  Yellow is one of my favorite songs currently, not the Coldplay version, which I love, but the version by Fana Hues; lastly, when I got sick, I was 37.  That will forever be my memory of that number, and when I quit drinking.  

I keep thinking maybe I was supposed to get sick.  Maybe that was the journey I was supposed to take the whole time.  Maybe this was my first big hurdle and if I chose alcohol I would have been choosing death, in my case, totally not saying if you drink you will die.  I look back at all the things I have done and tried, and it's versatile.  I mean, I would have totally been waking up to Jimi Hendrix on a rainy Woodstock morning, or I would have taken the brown acid and flipped out...no way to know now, unfortunately.  But besides opioids, I was pretty open to trying new things and in turn, new experiences.  Some of my friends used to say Ashley, you're going to come spend the night when my kids are in high school, you'll be able to tell if they're on something, lol.  Now I think, maybe I had experienced all I was supposed to, and it was time for me to stop.  If my life were a movie there would have been some big time foreshadowing going on about 5 years ago.  If I wouldn't have been told I had to quit drinking, I wound't have.  Not like cocaine, my 5 day coke hangovers and wallet made me give that up!  I didn't think of alcohol as a drug, it became an issue because my body was running off of alcohol, that's all my brain wanted.  I didn't even think that was possible, maybe that was me being naive.  I still don't know if I am an alcoholic, I can't drink, ever again, but some people can't have peanut butter, they're allergic to peanuts, I am allergic to what was once my best friend, alcohol.  I say I don't know that I am an alcoholic but I was and am, I drank by legal definition the amount of an alcoholic.  It consumed my thoughts for at least, the last 2 years I drank.  

Here is what I notice now that I didn't before.  I went up to KC last weekend to see a good friend of mine.  We met at a good place in my life, a couple of years ago, but he also saw me at my lowest.  He moved during the pandemic and we didn't really talk consistently or see each other again until last November, right before Thanksgiving.  We used to plan our days around drinking, mostly my idea, but lately when we hang out it's a lot different.  We walk more, he always wanted to do that around Wichita, I never did.  We are able to go sit and have coffee and just enjoy the morning.....without a hangover.  We can make plans and I am not worried if there will be alcohol.  I am not shaky in the morning.  Our food and beverage bill is lower, dessert might be an increase but hey, that's alright.  I really look forward to just going and enjoying the city with someone I care about, rather than enjoying the city from a dark and dingy bar.  Which, are the best, and I will still totally go and sit next to the regular named John, who's been going to that bar for 50 years, those guys have the GREATEST stories.  But not only, always drinking or incorporating alcohol, all the time, is pretty legit and possibly underrated but I never thought that before.  Everything in moderation right?!  My friend and I also had 9pm dinner reservations, that never would have happened before, I would have been 2 bottles of Pinot Grigio deep by then.  We also went and got ice cream after, I had never done that in a "date" scenario, I would have had a glass of wine after.  Either is fine and whatever you vibe with is also fine, until it tries to kill you, then you may have to re-evaluate.

I made my decisions and now I am living with them, but life has gotten increasingly better, in a short amount of time, in ways that I never thought mattered.  Seeing the beauty in sunrises, without mimosas, traveling and being excited, without an alcohol fueled weekend, reconnecting with people I haven't for  years, laughing hysterically with my mom and dad.  I took all of these things in life for granted and I am trying to do better.  I also feel like good things are happening in return, even the small things, those matter, they end up making something bigger. Just like problems, if you constantly ignore them, they won’t go away, they're just there in the morning.  I am still cleaning up all the messes I made while I was drinking, trying to forgive myself for my actions, apologizing when I need to and also taking time to notice the little things.  The "little thing" that a Facebook word scramble made me notice yesterday was that the first four words I saw were essentially my "matra" for 2022.  Connection, Self-Care, Gratitude and Breakthrough were my four.  Connection, I am connecting with old and new friends, making new relationships and working on restoring old ones.  Self Care, I have to take better care of myself.  I am 38, still feeling 28, but that shit ain't gonna last forever.  Also Self- Care is the soundtrack to today's post because, drum roll please.... I love the poetry and music of the late and great, Mac Miller.  Gratitude, I am so grateful that I had and have such a loving and supportive family and group of friends.  Breakthrough, I realized I needed to stop drinking and luckily, I was able to, now, let's see what I can do BAC free! 

P.S- Today I am headed to one of my oldest and dearest friend's gender reveal party, I cannot wait to see what she and her hubby are having.  They have waited a long time for this day and I am so excited that I get to be there to show my love and support....just like she always has for me.  ❤