Hey, I think we gonna be alright!

I keep thinking about how I am sitting here right now and I am okay.  I keep thinking of how much my life has changed, yet also, stayed the same, in such a short amount of time. 

After I was sentenced to life in sobriety without the possibility of parole, also during Covid…JACKPOT!  Next thing I was most worried about was how I would ever be happy again.  Not like happy in the way that you are during the day or in your general mood, for instance, I feel like some people are "happy people".  You can feel it when you talk to them, and then you have people that are more quiet or keep to themselves, maybe you don't see that happiness right away because that's not their demeanor.  It's not good or bad, it's just how people come across and how others perceive them.  I am referring to that feeling of walking out of work on a Friday afternoon, jamming to Bill Wither's "Lovely Day", and headed to have an after work beverage, on a patio, with no worries or responsibilities, for 48 hours.

Fast forward through all the hospital stays, insomnia, a lot of ugly crying, and doubt;  I FINALLY had a really good, unexpected, day.  This was probably in October 2021.  I had started working as an Insurance sales person, still remote, and I had also started Uber driving on the side for some social contact and extra cash.  Side bar, how the H E double L, did I afford to go to Harry's like 5 times a week?!  But that's another epiphany for a different day.:)  

So I had started Uber driving and I actually really enjoyed it, and still do!  Example, if you're feeling like you need a bump in your self esteem, consider driving for Uber, you need some random, social, chatter and possible connection with a complete stranger turned friend,  consider driving for Uber.  I once picked up a guy, in an 80's Chief’s starter jacket,  if you were a 90's kid you know what I am talking about, anyhow, he got in, scared me half to death when he popped in my window and said, ARE YOU ASHLEY?! Yep, how ya doing man!? Oh good, I am just going to the liquor store and back.  Me, okay great.  Then he'd tap my shoulder and shout YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, it smells like a WOMAN in here, lol, he was so nice and chatty.  A little too chatty, at one point Uber had to make sure I was still alive because I couldn't get him to leave my car, he wanted to tell me all the stories!  

One Sunday, instead of drinking my breakfast at a local fan favorite, The Oasis, my ritual has since shifted to the Delano Diner, they have fabulous blueberry pancakes.  Fun fact, you want to know why Lip from Shameless always wants to have pie?  Or everyone in Rehab on Sandra Bullock's "28 Days" fights over dessert?  The answer, you guessed it, sugar.  You know how much sugar is in alcohol?  A lot!  So, I have tried to limit this craving but sometimes you just have to scratch that itch, you know what I'm sayin?!  I had my Uber driver app on after breakfast and I picked up a group of 3 people from the baseball stadium downtown.  They were headed to Andover, so it was a nice little afternoon trip.  We were all talking, the guy in the front seat with me, his brother and sister in law in the back.  We were laughing and telling stories, the brother in the front seat, Ryan, and I had a lot in common.  We'd both been to the Guinness factory in Dublin, both liked similar things and we just kind of connected.  So a few moments after I dropped him off I was driving to my next pick up and my phone rang, it was a San Francisco number, I answered, Hello.  Ashley?  Yes.  Hi this is Ryan, you just dropped my brother and I off.  Oh yeah, what's up man?  Me, thinking he forgot something.  He then said, I don't want this to sound creepy but I just had to call and see if maybe I could buy you a drink sometime?  I hesitated, buy me a drink, I don't drink?  But you can go out and have coffee or soda or a meal.  So I was like, sure, I gave him my phone number and he called me later to set up a lunch date.  I went because at some point I needed to be okay with dating again and why not try something new, it didn't go anywhere but I wanted to go, it took a lot of balls to call like that and I was genuinely flattered.  But what I got that I needed, was how to start being around other people that didn't know why I didn't drink, and to not drink.  

One of my goals was to be able to go into Harry's when I looked and felt myself again, I had been on hiatus, no one knew why I wasn't around.  So after finally starting to be comfortable with myself, feeling happy and loving not feeling shaky or like shit all the time, I faced my insecurities and went to see my friends.  A lot of people don't understand my love for Harry's, I have so many close friends there that are like family, I wanted them to know I still loved them without drinking.  I love the support we give each other and the friendships we've built and kept going, since 2007-2008, when I had worked there.  But finally, after all of the pain, procedures, insecurities, what if's, changes, rebuilding and self love.  I got home from Harry's, sober, happy, tears of joy, man, I thought, I had a really good day today, and I am stone cold sober.  Ha, who knew!?