"You can't always get what you want, but sometimes, you get what you need"

I can't imagine Mic Jagger ever NOT getting what he wants but, obviously, at some point in his life, I bet he had to settle for what he needed.  I keep having these flashbacks, I think it may be because 2022 is kind of a bittersweet year for me.  It marks 20 years out of high school, 20 years living outside of my hometown and with "The Brawleys", 20 years as an actual adult and a very short 2 years until my 40th birthday.  And all our parents are right, it goes really, really, fast. 

What I thought I wanted when I was 18, headed to El Dorado to attend Bucco Jucco, was to figure out my major, meet new people, and have fun.  I definitely met lots of new people, awesome friends, I met one of my best friends, Ginger, and I always had a rockin' good time!  I went to class, but that was 100 percent not my main focus, in fact, I went to Butler for 2 years and still didn't manage to get my Associates, I mean, I got one in partying, but not in Liberal Arts, still sorry to the Brawleys.  Every Thursday we would go to a buddies house, always some sort of social gathering, one of our very good friends would come up from Wichita and he and I would proceed to go shot for shot, always Captain Morgan, to see who could take the most.  We had a chalk board to keep tally!  Do not do that, it's not smart, but like Mike Tyson says in The Hangover, "we all do dumb shit, when we're fucked up".  

When I realized I wasn't going to fulfill credits needed to graduate a Grizzly, I talked to the rents and explained I wanted to go to Cosmetology school.  I had always liked doing hair, I still do; when I was at Butler we used to go to this club on Tuesday nights in downtown Wichita called "The Beat".  We could always get in, and it was dollar drinks, and if any girls in our group wanted their hair did, I did it.  So Jim and Terry, being the incredibly patient, loving and supportive parents they have always been, sent me to Cosmetology school.  I moved to Wichita, got a one bedroom at Raintree Apartments and started hair school.  Little did I know, how crazy and fun the ladies I was lucky enough to meet there, were.  Cosmetology school is like a job, you go from 8-5 and I also worked as a server at Chili's (que song- mmm, baby back ribsss....) working a couple evenings a week and on the weekends.  So needless to say my want soon became a want to party, obviously booze, sometimes ecstasy, nose candy, mushrooms, you know, just LIVIN like Mathew McConaughey!  Was actually never a fan of pain pills, I had a breast reduction at 16, tonsils out at 17, ankle surgery at 24, I could have easily became addicted to pain killers, but thank God, I didn't, that addiction always scared the shit out of me.  Turns out, I shoulda been afraid of what I really liked, being drunk!  If you're wondering if I am now a successful Cosmetologist, the answer is of course, negative ghost rider, I made it 6 months....out of 9, do better Ashley!

So fast forward, I was in my early 20's, I had started waiting tables full time, going out, having fun, but I didn't have insurance, paid time off, benefits, retirement, nothing....my dad said, Ashley, if you don't want to graduate from college that's fine, but, you need to find a job with some benefits.  There it is, something I didn't want to do but I needed to do.  So I did it, I got a job with World Savings as a teller and also waited tables on the side.  I loved working at the bank, I met 3 of my best girlfriends and 1 very good buddy, and I loved the customers.  But I knew I didn't want to do that forever,  I needed to go back to school.  I did and I graduated with a Bachelor's of Sociology in 2011 from WSU.  By then I was also married to my ex husband and we were actually living a pretty good life.  During our marriage we mostly did what we needed to do and that enabled us to do what we wanted.  For instance one of our goals was to travel overseas, so we needed to save money, we did and we went.  It was a blast, first time I had ever drank wine and had fresh lobster on the side of the sea at 11am, and no one looked at me like, hey isn't it a bit early?  They are professionals over there!  

3rd chapter, welcome to my 30's, still partying and having no intention on having kids, at least not yet, nor did I want to give up my freedom, just yet.  I started a new job with CH Robinson as an operations person, and went to my first, post-college, big-girl, career!  Where you work full time and not part time, at a desk, instead of running around constantly, making that cash money, and always ending with a post-shift beverage. So like I had been doing for most of my adult years, I did what I wanted, but I didn't get what I needed.  What I needed was to grow up a little bit, what I needed was to take a look at where my priorities were, but I didn't do that.  

I am starting to wonder if the reason I keep reminiscing about the past 20 years, is because something, has been trying to point me towards what I need, not ALWAYS, what I want.  I was choosing things that I wanted over what I needed, which I don’t regret; but I needed to work on my marriage more than I did, I needed to keep my drinking under control, I needed to take better care of myself, I needed to love who I was, alone, without a man, I needed to focus on my growth.  But I didn't, and it showed, and I eventually needed to either give my body what it wanted or needed.  After want made life unbearable, I gave in to need.  But that need turned into, my new norm, my new happy, my old self, my old sense of humor, and people actually choosing to want me in their life instead of needing to make sure I was still alive in mine.  That feels pretty awesome, oh, and if you've ever seen any recovery movies, seeing the world sober, after blurry for so long, if you're lucky enough, you get to experience all that beauty, in everything, all over again!!!