Brawley's Beautiful Mess

I keep thinking about how I am sitting here right now and I am okay.  I keep thinking of how much my life has changed, yet also, stayed the same, in such a short amount of time.  After I was sentenced to life in sobriety without the possibility of parole, also during Covid…JACKPOT!  Next thing I was most worried about was how I would ever be happy again.  Not like happy in the way that you are during the day or in your general mood, for instance, I feel like some people are "happy people".  You can feel it when you talk to them, and then you have people that are more quiet or keep to themselves, maybe you don't see that happiness right away because that's not their demeanor.  It's not good or bad, it's just how people come across and how others perceive them.  I am referring to that feeling of walking out of work on a Friday afternoon, jamming to Bill Wither's "Lovely Day", and headed to have an after work beverage, on a patio, with no worries or...

One of the most difficult and important things about life, I have recently learned, is you have to be able to forgive yourself, and like Jay Z said, you've gotta learn how to live with regrets... Let's talk about things that one might consider regretful or shameful.  I remember one Sunday, at the end of my drinking career, I didn't have any wine left, or airplane bottles in my freezer, cooking sherry, nothing!  Just kidding about the sherry, but I am sure someone, somewhere has tried it.  I was shaky, dizzy, anxious and was focused on only what would make me feel better; which was not open for another 3 hours.  The desperation led me to remember that my neighbors had told me if I ever needed anything to come on over, well I did.  I went over, in my pj's, not for sugar, but for alcohol, at like 9 in the morning, terrible!  I once went to the gas station to buy beer in the morning, not realizing what day it was, it was a Sunday, you can't buy beer until noon ...

This past week I have been going back and forth on how to approach this subject, but we're just gonna go for it.....and if you're still reading or a first time reader, welcome and thanks for the support always! I met my ex-husband at a Halloween party, dressed as a Bears Superfan from Chris Farley's time on SNL, he was Where's Waldo, lol, it was a great first impression and we hit it off!  We ended up dating and getting married when I was 27, he 26.  We got married after about a 3-4 month engagement, bought a house, got a basset hound named Wallace, whom I hope is still kickin' it, and started our Marriage Journey.  When we were first married it was good, we had a lot of fun together, we worked hard, and we normally didn't drink much, if at all, during the week.  Sometimes on Thursday's but hey, that's Friday Eve!  Not too long after we got married I started a new job at a 3rd party logistics company, I loved that job.  This is also where I met Jay, he h...