"Most things I worry about never happen anyway"

I have always admired Tom Petty, big shout out to the rents on that one, and basically all my favorite artists, but I love Tom.  I love how he always put on a great show, I love how much he genuinely appreciated music and I love his lyrics, I could always relate to to them it seemed like.  My favorite Tom lyrics are "most things I worry about never happen anyway" which being the anxious, sometimes impatient and over-thinker that I am; I would worry about the littlest things to things I absolutely could not and cannot control.  So I decided that I would get that tattoo and every time I found myself worrying I would look down and read it, most of the time it worked and was right, until it wasn't....

I remember it like it was yesterday, it was probably early March of 2021, I can't remember the exact date because turns out, when I drank too much, I couldn't remember what week it was, shocker!  Anyway, I had also just split from my boyfriend right as we were going to attempt to share an address.  But after a few too many nights that would consistently turn from 1 glass of wine to 6, shaky mornings, foggy or straight blackout nights, before I knew it, I was getting dumped by not only my boyfriend but also by my employer.  Just the news you want when you're still trying to act like you're a "functioning alcoholic" but in reality a full blown, "unemployed alcoholic".  Something I NEVER would have imagined happening to me, especially, at 37.  I thought this was the lowest I had ever sunk, but I was wrong.  I decided I needed a change and I was trying to not drink.  It was working, for about 3 days. 

Then one morning I woke up, not hungover, feeling pretty good, not great, because let's be honest, I have been drinking more than I should since I was about 15.  I got out of the shower and started getting ready when I noticed that my eyes were yellow and my stomach seemed to be a bit more bloated than usual.  I was running some errands and called my mom, telling her my eyes were slightly yellow but I hadn't drank so why would they be yellow now?  I called my doctor right away to be seen, she immediately ordered labs and told me they would call me when my blood work came back.  About 4 hours later, on a Friday I think, I got a call with my results.  It was my actual doctor, not the nurse, so this should be good, she said "Ashley you need to get to the ER right now".  In disbelief I thought, oh my god, what is wrong with me?  I went to the ER and prayed it wasn't serious or permanent.  After several hours and multiple tests the doctors had thought it was an auto-immune disease.  I would just need to regulate it, but they also ordered a liver biopsy to confirm, I thought, this is going to be okay.  So there I was, laying in my hospital bed instead of sitting at Harry's, which was right around the corner from yours truly, when the doctor came in with my results.  Cirrhosis, at 37, oh and it's stage 4, Awesome.....

All of the sudden everything I was worried about WAS happening, and my beloved lyrics, weren't making me feel any better.  Worst of all, how does anyone quit drinking?  Let alone someone who has drank for the better part of her life and most often daily.  I could never imagine a life WITHOUT alcohol.  I was in serious denial, and I was already thinking, surely I don't have to stop forever.....